Reasons Why People Get and Stay “Stuck” – The Positive Payoff
Why do people stay stuck in spite of a stated desire to change their behaviors to successful ones so they can make progress? Here are a few reasons I have found when my clients keep getting stuck on the same sticking points. These reasons apply not just to getting better in their ability to do well with women, but to all kinds of bad habits or unproductive behaviors and beliefs. Here are a few reasons people stay stuck.
1) Perceived benefits or “payoffs” for not changing. This is when at a subconscious level a person perceives that they have more to gain by staying stuck doing the same behaviors that are ultimately unhealthy and destructive.
Potential “payoffs” include:
- Getting attention by playing the victim. They fear a loss of attention from friends, mentors and others will no longer be around to help them if they are not a victim and are successful at achieving their stated goal. They do not believe that there is an alternative way to meet their emotional needs to be loved and to feel important. This can actually include reinforcement from other guy friends and wingmen that are stuck.
- Avoiding taking responsibility for yourself and your results. Being a victim that is taken care of means they can avoid taking responsibility and the fact that you may have to make some changes that require effort.
- Using the “problem” right in front of you as an excuse for dealing with or even acknowledging other fears or issues. For example being nervous about approaching women could be a way of avoiding fear of intimacy or insecurities about their own sexual ability.
- Not getting what they want in one area of life, with women, is an excuse to not make other changes in your life. Change is scary, and remaining in a situation where you are not getting what you want can prevent you from confronting and dealing with the uncertainty of what comes after success.
- Being successful is in conflict with self image or beliefs. This can be the case for someone who says they just are the “nice” guy, or that they are just “not good with women” and they can’t change. Or that they are not the kind of person that can get what they want. They don’t believe they can have sex with women and still be a “nice guy.”
- Rehearsing failure or less than successful behavior in your mind, instead of rehearsing success. This goes back to the rule that if you don’t give your mind something to think about then it will default to your past experiences or your fears about what “could” happen. Fortunately this uncertainty based on habit can be easier to fix than if is more deeply rooted in other issues.
~ QuickKill
